I have endeavored to complete the continuation of the post “Unveiling the Elephant”. I am getting there. Putting all of these experiences into words is an emotional undertaking. It is uncomfortable to be this transparent about the experience as a whole. To focus on documenting my experience without blocking portions that may be less flattering to my ex. It is less than fun to relive the memories. To simmer in the ache the recollection inherently brings.
However, I have consciously resolved to shelve that post for a moment. Sifting through the discomfort of it all, documenting the resolution and path forward- those things are important to me. The hope that chronicling the events will not only provide a balm for my emotions, but perhaps provide one person out there with some solace. Knowledge that they are not alone. Confidence that the storm can be weathered. The certainty that life does go on.
Today, though, I don’t want to look back. Honestly, I don’t want to look forward either. I want to be right here.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My monster will be spending it with his dad, like he does every year. A tradition that can be a bit hard on me. What can I say, I miss him when he’s gone. I am confident, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the best thing for him. He is building solid traditions in his life. That consistency is important to me. It is worth a little pouting on my end.
This year is our first with him being in school rather than a daycare situation. This has meant one, large change for us. He got a whole week break. Which meant ‘Bring your Moose to work’ days for me. The perks of owning your own company with your dad. Flexibility of family. The week has been a mixture of “I love you’s”, “I’m bored”, and crawling into my lap. I have juggled mom duties and business duties. Mama is tired. My heart is also full.
Six years ago, before embarking on a demonstrative perspective change on where I wanted my career to head, this wouldn’t have been possible. Having my sidekick tag along on work days wouldn’t have been this accommodating.
It isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. It is mentally taxing to march through interruption via my offspring while drafting tedious details and schedules. I also only get coloring breaks when he is here. Yesterday I was told “Mommy, I love you so much I can’t stop hugging you”. He emphatically whispered “Mommy, do you want to hear about my drawing?!”. There have also been several exclamations of “I need to poop!” I chased him around while trying to smooth his statically charged hair. He showed me ‘his office’ in disgust because a rather large box had been placed on ‘his’ desk. He has made me belly laugh. Eased my stress with impromptu hugs. Regaled me with made up tunes. These are the moments of beauty, hidden within the banality of life. These moments make my heart happy.
In this moment, the day before we break bread and give thanks, I am warmed by my blessings. I could look at the future and worry about money. Stress over bills. chores that need to be completed. I don’t want to. I prefer to focus on my work. A job well done. Fulfilled by utilizing my talents. Listen to my kiddo hum an improvised melody the next room over. Plan the evening of packing a bag and grocery shopping.
This year is different- maybe from any I have had before. I am happy. I am settling into the person I want to be. The life I have cultivated. My support system is not vast. It doesn’t hold an abundance of names. It holds all the names I need.
Four and a half years ago my old life was dismantled. At the time I was devastated. I thought it was a life that served me well. I thought it was the one I wanted. Over the time that has passed between then and now, I have rebuilt- myself and my life. The individuals that prop me up when I think I can no longer stand on my own are amazing. They believe in me when I cannot believe in myself. They challenge me to be the best version of myself. To think critically and compassionately. At this juncture, I not only have the family I was born into, but those that have chosen me. Moose has Grandparents. God parents. Both blood and surrogate Aunts and Uncles. People that surround us both with so much love that he will never know anything different. He will never experience a home-or community- that doesn’t adore him for exactly who he is. He knows nothing but acceptance. Which shows in every trip to the park where he unabashedly locates a new friend. He doesn’t fear rejection- in his world there isn’t any way someone wouldn’t want to be his friend.
Tonight will carry a mixture of emotions. Sadness. Missing my Moose. Maybe a tinge of resentfulness. Later, all of that will be replaced with excitement. Comfort. And the joy of petting dogs. This year, I’m venturing to north Georgia to spend the holiday with my boyfriend and his parents. The time away from my house will distract my heart from the missing Monster. My days will be filled with laughter, amazing food, some wine, and inevitable snuggles with a delightful pig of a dog. I will return to my kiddo renewed, just in time for Christmas festivities.
Holidays can be difficult. They can be a reminder of broken promises or missing loved ones. Tread kindly with everyone this holiday. You have no idea who is nursing a broken heart or messy mind. I pray for everyone that their demons take the holiday off. That they get a respite from the harshness of life-instead filled with hope, joy, and/or peace.
I have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond measure. I will never have enough words for the ones I love. The tiny human that stole my heart five years ago. Or the tiny miracles that give me strength when I need it most.
Happy Thanksgiving from us to you.
Mommyhood Mayhem and Me 